The Chocolate Alchemist
by Teneshi
Summary: What happens when Ed has a run in with Roy and then an unpleasant run in with a chocolate transmuting alchemist? Hints at RoyXEd no graphicness though.


Disclaimer: I don't own Roy, Ed, Al, Riza, Havoc, Hughes, and the rest. All I own is the chocolate alchemist and a slightly unwell brain. :) I make no money, only splodey brains. Mwahaha! This was inspired by the episode of Fullmetal Alchemist where Roy and Ed fight, a RoyXEd icon that amused my friend and I, and those commercials for The Chocolate Factory. Enjoy!

The Chocolate Alchemist

By: Teneshi

One day in central Ed had gone to report to Roy of his progress on the Philosopher's Stone. Afterwards he was milling around the hallways waiting for Al to be done tending to some stray kitties he had found outside. It was then that Colonel Mustang approached him and belted out a resounding call of,"Fullmetal!"

Ed jumped about a foot, making him appear taller for a second, and then turned to face Roy. His breathing was just returning to normal when he heard the next part of the Colonel's order. "Meet me at my desk in five."

Roy gave him a sexy smirk and a wink before turning and heading back towards his office. Ed meanwhile was catching quite a few flies until his mouth snapped shut and a look of horror spread across his features. He realized the implications of 'meet me at my desk' and uttered quietly,"Oh god. Not again."

Quickly his eyes turned to scan and find an escape route, somewhere, anywhere. He didn't realize though that the time was ticking slowly away for young Edward Elric. The worst part was the only escape route he found led him straight past the den of evil. He would have to pass by Roy's office to get to freedom. It was a risky plan but the only way that guaranteed even the possibility of escape. Setting his plan into motion Ed tore down the hallway, running as if his life depended upon it. Surely at least his pubes did amongst other things. He had just grown them back in and wasn't about to lose them again to the 'tendancies' of one Roy Mustang.

With a happy smile starting to cross his face Ed thought he had made it. He was past Roy's door and all seemed well until he heard it. The resounding snap of fingers from behind him. Before he could even halt and turn to see his fate he was blasted against the wall with most of his clothes aflame. Roy slowly started walking down the now lit hallway. His arms were crossed across his chest and he was shaking his head slowly.

"Now Fullmetal..." He began a smirk crossing his features,"You didn't think you'd actually get away now did you?"

Ed made a feeble sound from the ground as he tried to put himself out. Roy only reached down and grabbed the younger alchemist by his burning robe and drug him back to his office. Just as the door was closing Ed made one last attempt to get away only to have it fail. No one came by that hallway for a while thus no one heard the cries of one Edward Elric or noticed the smell of burning hair.

A short time later

Ed grumbled as woke and moved himself from the uncomfortable position. Resting across a desk is not always the best way to sleep. Not surprised to find himself naked he was surprised to find that the reason he had woken was Roy was gone and Al was there standing and giving him a curious look. Well as curious as a suit of armor can look.

"Brother," he started before Ed cut him off with a glare.

"Where the fuck are my clothes?" Ed grumbled to himself as he attempted to save some of his dignity. His pubes had not been saved however and thus he had to mourn their loss as he looked for the remnants of clothing. He had barely reached his boxers when the door was blasted in by an unknown force. As the pieces of the door landed and the smoke cleared he and Al could see the door had been turned into solid chocolate.

"Roy Mustang! Prepare to meet your sugary sweet doom," A female voice shouted. An enraged female stood in the door frame and surveyed the two figures inside. Upon seeing the armor she turned and glared at Al.

"Hiding in a suit of armor huh?" She asked,"Even that won't save you."

A sweatdrop appeared on Al's forehead as he put his hands forward to try and pacify the woman. Ed had just opened his mouth to explain her mistake when suddenly she lept forward and placed her hands on Al. A moment and a puff of smoke later a large confection shaped like a cone sat in Al's place. From it came Al's voice and several mew's of discontent. Al had been transmuted into a large Hershey's Hug with a furry kitty center.

Ed then launched himself at the woman, forgetting his nakedness for a moment til she turned on him. Giving him a glare she readied herself for another transmutation as she snarled,"So you're his butt buddy huh pipsqueak?"

Ed became even more enraged and started shouting obscenities mixed with declarations that he was not short or a pipsqueak. Al tried to enter the fray but found that jumping was the only thing a Hershey's Hug could do so he had to settle for a slow pace across the room. Not there in enough time to save Ed from his fate.

"Since you two seem so awfully close,"she explained as she crouched when Ed neared,"I'll give Roy a bit of incentive to get free."

That said she reached out and grabbed Ed's nuts while performing another transmutation. Where once there was Ed's recently singed and now pubeless nuts hung a pair of large chocolate covered nuts. Ed stopped his assault and merely stared down at his new addition.

"What the...?" He asked as he stared at them in horror and shock. Before he could retaliate the woman jumped back and exited the room swifly with a fading shout of ,"You deserved it Mustang you pervert!"

A few moments later Riza, Havoc, Hughes and the rest appeared with Roy in the doorway. Roy just surveyed the scene and gave Ed a smirk.

"What's going on here Fullmetal?" Riza demanded with a glare at the younger alchemist.

The only response she got was a discontent mew from inside of Alphonse the Hershey's Hug.


End file.
